I am so pissed that this cycle didn't work, but there just isn't anything I can do about this turn of events. I did my best. DH did his best. We put our all into this cycle. We ate (mostly!) the right stuff, stayed happy and (mostly!) carefree, did our shots on time, didn't miss a single med, blah blah blah. It sucks, and it's not fair.
So, okay, what's next? The FET of course. But before that, I have my 2nd beta on Thanksgiving - more than 2 days apart. That how my clinic does it. So, I'll keep up my progesterone suppositories until then, I'll get the lower or crappy beta, and then I'll get to stop them, and I'll have a really heavy period (I am guessing!) I hope nothing comes up, my last miscarriage wasn't too bad it was at around 7 weeks. I don't even know if this is a 'miscarriage.' Whatever. I'm not getting hung up on terminology. I was pregnant, and now I'm not. Grrr. I'm pretty sure the demise of my little rockstar embryos lies is due to my deathtrap uterus. Adenomyosis is my main problem, I guess. But no RE has ever really made a big deal about it; probably because there isn't a lot we can do for it. I just never felt good after transfer - I was extremely crampy from the very beginning, and it never let up. I never understood how an embryo could survive in that environment. I guess they can't! But, we'll try again, as soon as Dr. K says we can! I am going to guess that's going to be January. We've got 7 frozen blasts - I am not sure how many FET's that will translate int - 2? Maybe thaw 4, and then 3 if the first one doesn't work? I know they are 'excellent' quality. I wonder if that makes a difference in how many they will thaw. I look forward to learning about FET's. All I know now is that they are a long shot, even by IVF standards.
It is kind of weird, but I always thought I would get (and stay) pregnant from a FET. Do not ask me why; I don't know the answer.
Tomorrow, DH is coming home! We'll get to go to the 2nd beta together, and he'll have the day off. We're going to go to dinner and a movie, if I am feeling up to it. No cooking for me this year. But, I am going to bake a pumpkin pie. DH (and lots of other family/friends) love this one: http://allrecipes.com/recipe/brown-familys-favorite-pumpkin-pie/Detail.aspx It is so freaking good, especially if you like candied nuts.
Then, on Friday, we are packing up and heading back to his current project/job site in Spokane (he's a environmental/chemical engineer)! We're even taking the dog (10 year old yellow lab.) I just couldn't bear to kennel her right now, we already have to kennel her for Christmas. The hotel allows one pet, and she is very good with potty type issues. That girl can hold it forever, lol. So, hopefully it will be a nice little vacation - it should snow while we're there. Snow captivates me - I spent the first 33.5 years of my life in southern California. I'll be bringing my boots for sure. We may be there until December 5, so I am going to have to do some laundry to get ready.
As soon as we get back home, I am going right out to buy a huge Christmas tree. It'll be our first Christmas in our new home, and I can not wait to decorate. I will have to post a bunch of pics when I am done. I was looking forward to being pregnant as Christmas. We've been at this trying to get pregnant game for 7 years, and each Christmas I hope to be pregnant. So, this year will be the same. I suppose next year at this time I'll either be pregnant (or will have just given birth, which is unimaginable to me) or we'll be in the midst of adoption...
I will post my beta results when I get them. Since it's being drawn on Thanksgiving, I am not sure when to expect the results. I think I will probably still get the results that afternoon.
Happy Thanksgiving in advance! xoxo
My RE has said he has had better results with FET's than fresh transfers, though there's no real scientific basis. His theory is that the fresh transfer has more trauma both from the retrieval and all the systemic drugs - both of which are missing with the FET.
ReplyDeleteI'll still keep my fingers crossed for better numbers on Thursday, but it's also nice to have a plan for the next step, and in the meantime a little time away.
Wow Brooke, I can't believe your positivity, it's amazing!! :) It really helps me breathe a bit easier about this heartbreak to hear that you are feeling alright. I still hope it's not over for you this time, but... yeah. You sound really excited and optimistic for your FET!
ReplyDeleteThe thaw #, etc. will depend a LOT on your clinic, so that will all be learned at the WTF appt. But I CAN tell you that a FET is so incredibly much easier physically! You should grill your RE about your adenomyosis and see how they are going to address it better, because obviously your embies are amazing. I'm SO glad your DH is coming home soon and that you can enjoy a date night and a fun trip together :)
I was worried about you, Brooke! I kept checking your blog all day hoping for an update to make sure you were doing all right (whatever all right means in this situation). I am glad that your thinking of the future FETs is helping you get through this situation. Have you heard of Embryo Glue? It's a transfer medium used during embryo transfer that is supposed to help get better implantation. I think CCRM (the #1 IF clinic in the U.S.) came up with it. Just something to consider.
ReplyDeleteI don't know about FETs. I have 2 frozens from my last IVF because I never made it to transfer, but they are such poor quality that they more than likely won't survive the thaw. It's my understanding that with such great blasts like yours you have a much higher likelihood that they'll survive and those that survive are little fighters who tend to do well inside their mama.
Hang in there, I am thinking of you a lot and I hope your DH and you enjoy some time away and start healing.
*hugs*
Brooke...you are a great inspiration. Your ability to pick yourself up and move on after so many years of dissapointment is really awesome! I'm so glad that you have so many frozen blasts and I will pray that your intuition is right and that you'll get and stay pregnant with your first FET!!!
ReplyDeleteHappy Thanksgiving!! xox
Brooke,
ReplyDeleteI admire your courage and as someone who has struggled for a number of years, I know that the struggle can seem daunting at times. Prayers for your frosties and that they arrive home for a 9 month ride in January. Keep the faith and believe! Hugs!
Yeah I noticed that Kim is missing too. I hope she is okay! I wonder if reading about other people's BFP or being optimistic, etc. is just too much for her right now. I know there have been times when I wouldn't have wanted any company, even IF bloggy buddies. I am worried though. I hope she shows back up soon... Let me know if you hear anything about her though!
ReplyDeleteHappy Thanksgiving to you too!!! Thanks for all your support Brooke, you are awesome.
Nicole - IF is so rough, it's got to be one of the worst things a person can go through. Add to that her troubles w/ SIL, and it's probably just too much. It makes me sad to think of her having a hard time. I hope she makes a return to blogland when she is feeling up to it...
ReplyDeleteAnd I think I should thank you for the support, fyi...so, thanks!