I am still here. Barely hanging on, I would say. This is a lot harder than I thought it would be, which is saying a lot, I guess.
I have a few Dr's appts. this week, including one with my very first shrink! And I will also be seeing my OB, my RE, and maybe my new neurologist if I can be fit in. I've been having headaches. Let's leave it at that. (I've been to the ER four times in 3 weeks for headaches. I've got a prescription for Dilaudid, among 10 or so other sedatives, antidepressants, muscles relaxers, etc!) You really would think that ONE of them would knock out a headache. But, no.
So, this is not the happy update I would normally like to post. I am so used to handling everything life has thrown at me. This may be it for me. I am ready to call uncle on this whole ttc mess. But we've still got 5 embryos waiting for us in the deep freezer, and I can't see not using them. I can't see it now...not this week. Or month. Ask me in September or October. Hopefully I will be able to see more clearly then.
We leave for Hawaii on Sunday, and I am pretty excited. I just hope I can keep it together. The in laws will be there. Don't want to ruin their trip with my stupid grieving. Anyhoo, whine whine, that's what's going on over here. Hope you are all well, I am not commenting yet, but still reading...xoxo
I think about you all the time, Brooke. I wish things weren't so tough for you these days. Hope Hawaii is the emotional, physical and spiritual break you need! HUGS!!
ReplyDeleteOh Brooke, I'm so sorry. I don't know exactly how you feel. But I just recently had my 4th miscarriage and 2nd D&C. God is helping me to heal a little more every day. I'm going to be praying for you. I hope that your time in Hawaii is very refreshing and healing. For me, I have been able to be off work recently and it has helped a lot. I've been spending a lot of time with my family and working in my flowers, doing things I enjoy. It has helped me a lot. So I'm praying that this will be a wonderful trip for you and that these terrible headaches will stop! I also pray that you'll feel God comforting you and speaking to you in these difficult times. Hugs to you!!
ReplyDelete(((Hugs)))
ReplyDeleteEvery one grieves differently, don't feel like you have to conform to anyone else's expectations or timeline. Be good to yourself.
I hope you feel physically and emotionally healthier very soon, but for you, not for anyone else.
I have been thinking of you, Brooke. Don't rush your grief or feel like you should be "better" by now -- you have been through SO much, honestly, I am amazed at your strength to simply write about it. If you need to grieve in Hawaii then do so -- your in-laws will just have to deal with it. I am glad you have been able to get some help (via doctors, meds, etc.) and I hope that allows a little sunlight to peek in, but no one should push you after what you've endured (and continue to endure). I'm thinking of you daily ... *big hugs*
ReplyDeleteI think of you daily as well. I hope the drs. can help heal the physical with the headaches soon. I agree with Sonja- you have been through a tremendous amount of loss. I have read that it generally takes a year to recover from a miscarriage so give yourself some time and don't be too hard on yourself for not feeling peachy at this point. I hope that Hawaii is a refreshing and rejuvinating vacation for you... Big hugs....
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for your loss. Don't be too hard on yourself. Do what YOU need to do. This grief is about you, not anyone else. I hope that Hawaii is the break you need to help heal.
ReplyDeleteTake care.
I'm so sorry for your loss and wish there were words I could say to hold your aching heart. I want to send you wishes of healing, clarity, and peace. Your grieving is not stupid- your heart must ache in the way it needs. I hope Hawaii does wonders for your soul, and don't let your in-laws get at you. You grieve how you need to, and you will find your strength again. *hug*
ReplyDeleteI think you are super brave. You are not (by any stretch of the imagination) whining. What you have been through is just devastating and like Sonja said don't feel like you should be over it within a certain timeframe. Don't even think about another FET just yet, just let yourself go where you need to be and one way or another you'll end up in the right space at your own time to contemplate TTC again. I hope hawaii is wonderful and that you laugh and smile and make happy memories. xx
ReplyDeleteFound your blog through LFCA. I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope Hawaii is wonderful for you and that you can find some peace in the beautiful places off the beaten path.
ReplyDeleteFrom LCFA, I'm sorry for your loss.
ReplyDeleteHope Hawaii is different and helps you with the grief process.
I had headaches and TMJ pain after my son died. It was like insult added to injury for me, Hope you find meds that work for you.
No one should have to go through the loss of their child. You sounds like a very strong, loving woman and I can only wish you all the best. ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteDon't judge your healing against any one elses. God knows I would probably still be lightyears behind where you are. And that's okay.
ReplyDeleteHawaii is my absolute most magical, happy place on Earth. I hope it brings you some true relaxation and peace!!